Quitter

“I Quit”. I said one day. Just pretty much snapped and I was on my way.

On my way to what?
Hoping for recovery, margins, self care…
Hoping to be a better wife, a present mom,
take a shower, wash my hair.

It felt so great, walking those halls for the very last time.
The same hallways where I’d broken up fights, high-fived students, and sat broken and sobbing.

But then.
I felt sad. So so sad.
I had failed them. Loved them.
Taught them, but then in a blaze of glory…
left them.

Everyday was battle royale.
170 teenager/children selfishly navigating life de hood.
I could make a difference! I can change their lives with love and great teaching…
I thought I could.

But real life isn’t a Lifetime movie.
White lady loves a lot, teaches hard, works tirelessly…
Isn’t that a recipe for changing lives?

I followed the recipe but the muffins just didn’t bake.

All that job did was take, take, take.
I had nothing left, I’d tried it all.

Every advice given, I took.
“Be more ‘hood”, they said.
So I swore and yelled.
“Be more strict”, they said.
So I smooshed myself into a boring non reactive box.

None of it worked. So I quit.
I packed a box. There wasn’t much to take.
No dignity to pack. Respect? What’s that?
Only memories of failure and a job that didn’t fit.

I really did it—I didn’t even finish.
I quit.

2 Responses to “Quitter”

  1. Joy
    May 16, 2018 at 4:12 pm #

    Love it! “I followed the recipe but the muffins just didn’t bake.” haha that’s perfect!

  2. Judy
    May 20, 2018 at 1:10 pm #

    Well written! I agree week Joy the muffin line is priceless!

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