The Drama of Disappointment

Warning:  This post may be a downer.

Today I got the bad news that I didn’t pass the Science teacher test that I took last month.  I have to admit, I had my hopes way up about it and after another baby-less month, I was really hoping that passing the test would put some wind in my deflated sails.  So, how did I handle the news?  The answer is not well.

I didnt realize how much I had banked on passing the test.  Luckily there are no real consequences to not passing this time and I can take it again without penalty, however, the disappointment of not passing the test hit me like a punch in the face.  Unable to punch Disappointment back, I needed to do something with the volcano of angry energy that begged to spill out of me.  I put my running shoes on, grabbed my ipod and started to run (well, full disclosure: walk/ jog).

As my feet hit down on the sidewalk I found a rhythm and a pattern of thought emerged.  Pound, Pound, Pound, “Show up God!”  Pound, Pound, Pound, “Why dont you love me?”  Pound, Pound, Pound, “Do something God!”.  I gulped in air and squeaked out near sobs at the same time as I ran like this until I started to hear the words of a song sing through my earbuds.  I had selected my running playlist “Jesus Jams” and in the words of the song God answered.  Even if God doesnt do another thing to bless me, He has done enough.  My relationship with God and my Christian life is not about gathering blessings and is definitely not about earning them.

Slowly I began to remember countless times that God has come through for me.  I didn’t realize how I had kind of put the test out there to God.  Kind of like, “Okay God, so you wont give me a baby, but surely you will just do this little thing for me, right?”  I dont understand why the timing of Muffin Wonderful is not mine, and why I continue to face disappointment in this season of my life.  All I know is that when I need God to show up for me, He always does and that has to be enough for now.

2 Responses to “The Drama of Disappointment”

  1. Joy
    April 16, 2012 at 9:35 am #

    Sarah I love this. I love how open and transparent you are. I’ve definitely asked God my share of questions like that…it’s always a relief when I realize the ways he has been so faithful. And look, you’re teaching science anyway!

  2. barbara l. fordyce
    April 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

    Sarah, I value your honesty and vulnerablity to share your true feelings. I have to believe “God is GOOD and Trustworthy” and pray for you and thankful that you were able to talk to Him and share your feelings. He has the BIG PICTURE and He will bless you beyond belief. Big Hug for you and prayers.
    love

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